In any relationship, the best results, when there is disharmony, come from identifying and focusing on what I call the Joint Shared Commitment . What I mean by this is that both people involved have an outcome that is important to them that paralles one with the other person. What derails us, is often, instead of keeping our eye on the joint shared commitment, we focus on the details. ("cursed details" my friend Mike Dooley calls them!)
As we do that, our thinking polarizes into believing our way to accomplish the end result is the right way or, worse, the only way.
In the real estate business, this often happens when there is a lot of negotiation between the seller and buyer that, ultimately, can result in a deal lost over $1000 or $2000 or a refrigerator. At some point, both parties dig in their heels, believing they have given enough and the other party needs to give. You've probably witnessed this kind of stupid stubbornness. What gets lost is the exciting future for the seller and great house for the buyer. After all, that joint shared commitment is what each want... the seller wants to sell and the buyer wants to buy. If you can bring them back to that and help them release the need to be right...you can move to a successful result.
In the business world, this happens as well. An employee and management sometimes disagree how things should be done. A good thing to remember is: at any given time, each person is doing the best they can and making the best decisions they can based on what they see (their perceptions and information).
So when an employee isn't doing the job you expect or had asked for, instead of criticizing their work, some discovery into why they are doing what they are doing may yield better facts to turn it around. Likewise, if you are the employee for an unreasonable manager...find out their motivation for their behavior. Maybe it's fear or they have found intimidation is the only way they can get results. But always, come back to why you both are at that company. What is the vision or joint shared commitment you bought into when you began to work there? It really comes down to discovering the other person's motivation and needs and aligning with what you desire that is shared.
And then, of course, there's love. Why are there so many divorces? While I'm not saying there is never a reason to change partners..over 35 years with my husband, Bub, has taught me that the joint shared commitments we have are more important than the "cursed how's". Last month, I shared about how being right can become a detriment. It is so detrimental in relationships, because it is easy to get a greement from others that shores up your opinion about how your partner is treating you.
But...hopefully there is a big joint shared commitment that allows you to accept that person as a separate being with the right to have their own judgments and opinions and make their own choices.
Now, that doesn't mean you have to like it. But is disharmony over something small worth ruining the day. Will you let another person steal your joy today? And, of course, it doesn't have to be your partner- this question is worth asking with anyone's behavior that annoys or maddens you.
Bub and I are very different. His slow, patient way of approaching things can drive me batty...or I can accept that Bub is Bub and brings a lot of laughter and fun into my life...
our joint shared committment is to Laugh, Love, Have Fun & Travel and to be Debt-free!
And, despite our radically different ways of approaching it, keeping our eye on that has kept us together!
What are the joint shared commitments you have with others?
Taking 5-10 minutes to define them and to share them will perhaps produce some interesting results!
I'd love to hear your thoughts about this.